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Everything in Its Time


I was watching Oprah's two-part interview with former protégée and self-help guru Iyanla Vanzant and was riveted to the screen as Iyanla explained why she walked away from Oprah eleven years ago to do her own show with Barbara Walters. Since then Iyanla has fallen on hard times, while Oprah’s other protégées --- Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz, Suze Orman and Rachel Ray--- have found fame and fortune. Iyanla's story struck a very strong cord with me, not for what she said, but for what she couldn't bring herself to say --- that after a few appearances on Oprah she began to believe her own hype, thought she could be the next Oprah, and learned all too quickly that the grass is rarely greener on the other side. This doesn’t make Iyanla “stupid,” ungrateful” or any of the other negative things people have accused her of being since the shows aired. Let’s face it, we’ve all looked at our boss and/coworker and thought that we could do their job better in our sleep. If Iyanla’s gamble had paid off we’d be patting her on the back for her bravery, but the whole thing did get me thinking, does every big life decision really happen at an anointed time?

I turned thirty-five a few days ago and it threw me into yet another reevaluation of my life. I’ve always had big dreams of being a bestselling authoress and publishing my own newsmagazine, but we all know that hopes and dreams without implementation are worthless. We have to work to make our dreams come true, and yes, sometimes we are going to fall face first into a pile of failure and humiliation to get there. But I do wonder how many times we hold back on doing something because we are waiting “for the right time?” Iyanla spoke of God telling her that it was the “anointed time” to do her own show, but most of us don’t have such strong convictions when we are trying to decide whether to stay in a situation or move on; we are full of trepidation, constantly wondering if we should really fold the cards we are holding.  
Staying put or moving on is a question that we are always going to be faced with. Personally, I believe that when we aren’t sure what to do that it’s ok to do nothing. Sometimes we are not as ready to move up as we think. We need more training, more mentorship, and more life experiences. We need to learn to appreciate where we are and use it as a learning experience. We have to be careful not to blow chances that can get us where we need to be because we are in too much of a hurry to get where we think we should be. I truly believe that moving forward is part of being successful, but if we are lucky enough to be in a space where we can learn, then we should learn and grow. We’ll be better people for it and better prepared when the time does come to walk into our future.

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Thirty-Five


Everything I know I learned after I was thirty.
- Georges Clemenceau

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Valentine's Day Massacres



I was clicking through news stories on-line when I found a festive little piece about the Iranian government banning Valentine’s Day for being “too westernized.” Now, they aren’t the first to try and drive a stake through this cutesy “arrow-slinging” cupid beast. Every year you’ll find somebody railing against the “fake” and “commercialized” holiday “whose only real purpose is to make greeting card and candy companies rich.” Of course, these complainers are usually people who are playing for the other team --- The Lonely Hearts Squad who’d rather cut their tongues out then admit that they are sad to be alone on Valentine’s Day. But all this hoopla surrounding the coming of this day made me wonder, do single people set themselves up for a Valentine’s Day massacre?
Valentine’s Day, or IT as me and my friends refer to the day, is a thing of wonder and magic when you’re happily encased in coupledom, but for the rest of us Valentine’s Day is a dirty word.
IT makes us suddenly reevaluate our life choices --- “I wonder if it was a mistake not to go out with Bad Breath again, after all, nobody’s perfect!”
 IT is a chance for everybody to remind us that we are ALONE --- “Another Valentine’s Day alone huh?” AND to rub their relationship in our face --- “You won’t believe what The Most Perfect Mate Alive is doing for me this year…”
IT is enough to drive a singleton mad with self-doubt --- “Maybe I am a loser!”
Now, single people do all kinds of crazy things because of this day. We try to turn it into a day of self empowerment by watching anti-love videos, we burn pictures of the exes, or we pretend to ignore it, basically for the most part it’s a pity party all around. But what if instead of feeling bummed that we have no Valentine Day’s cards to call our own, we merely decide that IT has no power over us?
When we reach a certain age we put ourselves in boxes and life becomes more about what we don’t have then what we do have. We aren’t lamenting the loss of a body by our side on V-Day, but the perceived lack of love in our life.   
I’m the last person who likes to sound like a greeting card or an after-school special, but how much we are loved can’t be measured by who we spend one day with. It’s measured by the friends and family members who surround us every day.  As for finding Romantic Love, it is sort of like getting the measles when you’re 16 --- a ridiculously random thing that is triggered by someone out of nowhere. In other words, buck up buttercup the odds of us being in love on that day are against us anyway!  But seriously, see IT not as a day to expose our shortcomings, but as a day of thanksgiving, a day to love our life, no matter how imperfect it may seem. So, let’s enjoy our solo ride on the Love Train and when we do decide to let somebody roll we’ll do it knowing we want them, not need them, by our side.
till next month...

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Thirty-Something Hags


Fig. 3 Carrie Mae Weems, ‘Mirror/Mirror’

 Good God, just when I thought it was safe to surf through the Internet as a woman of  certain age, I read a story based on how researchers at the Japanese skincare brand SK-II have conducted a study with Fukui University that has pin pointed the exact age that women lose their looks --- 35.09.

I have no idea where the .09 comes from, but I'm guessing that it's to compensate for the fact that you still have a few days after the magic number before the ugliness takes hold. Of course, they want you to know you can save yourself from this fate by buying their products.

Now, I'm not going to jump all over these MEN for playing on our mirror mirror complex, our need to be the prettiest one of them all. We're the ones who leave ourselves wide open to this. There is only one thing worse then being THIRTY --- being THIRTY-FIVE and it doesn't take much to freak most of us out as we begin our slide to FORTY.

Product shilling aside, we can't ignore the lengths that women go through to hold on to their youth and beauty. My favorite example of this is Snow White and her Stepmother.

Everyone knows the story of the sweet beautiful ingenue who is forced to flee her kingdom when her aging stepmother can’t accept the fact that she is now old news and Snow White is now the fresh, young thing in the kingdom.

What’s funny about this is that the Queen is still beautiful, not to mention powerful, but she cannot stand being reminded that her youth is fading.

Many people see Snow White as a tale about the importance of inner beauty, but it’s all about what happens when you lose your looks.

Snow White’s face wins her the day. Her fresh beauty raises her stepmother’s ire, endears her to the dwarfs and wins her Prince Charming. Would he have married a perfect stranger if he wasn’t so blinded by her beauty? Throw in the fact that Stepmother Dearest needed a mirror, and a male mirror at that, to affirm her self-worth and that in order to kill her young threat she had to accept her role as an old crone and you have the worst example of aging gracefully EVER.

I often wondered how Snow White dealt with losing her looks when the time came and if she ever grew to appreciate her step mother’s dilemma? Sure, she was a bit touched in the head, but are we so hard on Snow White’s stepmother because we fear we will become her?

Mirror, Mirror in the wall am I still a pretty girl after all?

No matter what we say, we want to be pretty. It gives us power as a woman and we like having that power. Feeling insecure about myself is nothing new to me. I’ve always struggled with weight and never feeling pretty. I was smart and witty; two things I honed to ensure that I was never invisible to the people who I wanted to see me. As I’ve gotten older I realize that my outer self isn’t that bad to look at,  in fact I’m pretty fine, but sometimes I question if  I’ll never stop being that little girl who never feels as if she is pretty enough, tall enough, skinny enough. I mean I’m thirty-four years old, am I ever going to get to that point when I look at myself in the mirror and am really, truly okay with what is staring back at me?

I suppose that some things will always be a work in progress. But I do know that there are no hags here and I think we all know what SK-II and Fukui University can do with their charming study.



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